jenmwells

I live in a wonderful apartment in Downtown Sacramento.  There are great restaurants all over the city, and a million of them are right by my house.  You see, living here in such a crowded city means no room for grocery stores.  Also, I have no oven or stove in my loft.  Can anyone tell me thier favorite foods that are fresh, or require little or no cooking.  I own a blender, toaster, microwave, steamer and rice cooker, small toaster oven and one small hotplate.  Yeah.  I need to do what I can from ordering takeout or going to some muy delicioso restaurante.  !Me decir, no mas comida de rapida!  !Muy Grasias!

I’m not sticking to the not smoking thing.  My bestfriend yelled at me for buying more.  I know, I know.  I also ate In-and-Out Burger today.  And a piece of tastey pie.  Damn that tastey-ass pie. 

 I’m being extreamly impulsive……spending money I really don’t have to spend.  I bought tickets to see a band I just found twenty or so minuets before I bought the tix.  Then tonight, I bought more tickets to see a different band.  They ain’t cheap, yo.  I’m going with my ex.  We still want to be together……. but……… yeah.  We still act like we are together…… except for the whole doin’ it thing.  We still kiss, hug, give “I love yous”. 

Eh.  This sucks.  I want to get laid.  Haha.  Horrible, isn’t it?  I have so many issues to deal with, and all I can think about is that boy’s long dark hair flowing over me.  He’s not the best lover.  He is considerate.  Mostly.  I have had good willpower regarding our sexing.  I have a feeling we’re going to give in soon.  Hey, regardless of our emotion needs, we are still human.  Stop judging me!  (I’m yelling at myself, not you. [And you too, if you are judging me])  He’s so yummy.  ARG!  I gotta go do something before I go mad with man-wanting.  I’ll go scrub my toilet.  That would do the trick. 

Tomarrow is another day. 

Another workout.

Another battle.

It’ll be better once I get some.

AH! Sex thoughts creeping up on me again!  I have to go, goodnight! 

Lastnight….. I layed in bed wondering why I’m not happy. 

When I was about 15, things started changing for me.  In one school year, aproximately 9 months, I had gained 100lb.  I didn’t know what was wrong. I ate the same.  I almost never had fastfood, and I was active.  But seemingly overnight, I got fat.  Everything suffered.  I was already diagnosed as Bipolar.  Later, depression would come.  When I was 20 I was told I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS).  The doctor told me as I layed there, half through a pap evaluation, my legs spread and her fat little fingers probing me with tools that I would perfer I never saw again.  She said it like she was reading from a medical textbook. It was simply a fact.  Something she knew, but it in noway affected her life.  It was cold.  It was nonshalant.  It was fact.  I laughed.  Later I cryed.  I was told I would never beable to have children.  Not that I have ever yearned to be a mother.  Funny how when your told you can’t have something, you suddenly want it.  I have researched, and read…I know everything there is to know about it.  There isn’t much.  What it all comes down to, is that it affects my entire body (including wieght), and there is nearly nothing to do about it.  Not that it matters, I just lost my medical insurance through my mother, and when I applied for my own, I was told I am uninsurable.  Woo-hoo.  So here I am.  Doing what I can to change my medical condition with out the help of doctors. 

I’m tired of being unhappy.

I’m tired of being depressed.

I’m tired of pushing everyone away.

I’m tired of being fat.

I’m nolonger going to listen to those doctors who told me my wieght loss in nearly impossible.  I am going to do it.  I have no choice now.  If I can’t doit, I’m going to die.  A few months ago, I weighed just a few pounds short of 300.  I’m at 283 now.  I considered a gastric surgery.  Its not for me.

So here I am now.

 283lbs. Today was a good day.  I ate well.  Some exersize.  I’m still smoking, six ciggarettes still in my pack.  Not including the one between my fingers.  I’m slowly getting rid of everything bad for me.  I have noone to count on but me.  My ex and I were together for nearly three years, but if there is any possibility of it ever working, we both have alot to work on.  But right now, we can’t be there for eachother.  We both need to grow up. 

I just realized.  Four years ago today, we met.  What a day to start a life change, huh? 

This is how it needs to be.  I look Suicide in the eyes everyday.  Everyday, I tell him no. Today is not my day, but he baddgers at me.  He nags.  He wants me more than anyone I have ever known.  He begs for me.  He so seductive, he lays with me when I sleep.  He’s there looking at me in the mirror everymorning.  Every bite, he says he will have me for dinner.  No.  Today I stand up for myself.  Go away my damning lover. 

Today is MY day.

-Jen